So I was having a discussion about what being an artist means and what ideals are more important to you when it comes to being who you are and I realized that I’m conflicted.
I want to be able to pursue my art without hindrance. I want to be able to attend classes. Create choreographies. Push my physical and artistic boundaries.
I want to be able to live comfortably. To pay down my debt. To have a financial future that feels secure. To have insurance.
I don’t feel I can accomplish the second goal and the first goal at the same time. Right now I’m focused on the second goal. I work a desk job in an office building doing something that is not particularly artistic or interesting to me, despite my aptitude at it. It pays the bills.
I feel like a hypocrit. I struggle with the emotional pain of not feeling able to fulfill my first goal. It drives a wedge into my life. I don’t believe in myself. That’s probably the worst feeling.