Being an Artist

So I was having a discussion about what being an artist means and what ideals are more important to you when it comes to being who you are and I realized that I’m conflicted.

I want to be able to pursue my art without hindrance.  I want to be able to attend classes.  Create choreographies.  Push my physical and artistic boundaries.

I want to be able to live comfortably.  To pay down my debt.  To have a financial future that feels secure.  To have insurance.

I don’t feel I can accomplish the second goal and the first goal at the same time.  Right now I’m focused on the second goal.  I work a desk job in an office building doing something that is not particularly artistic or interesting to me, despite my aptitude at it.  It pays the bills.

I feel like a hypocrit.  I struggle with the emotional pain of not feeling able to fulfill my first goal.  It drives a wedge into my life.  I don’t believe in myself.  That’s probably the worst feeling.

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